The Adventures of Wiggle Baby

I admit it, I disagree with myself. Since penning my anti-sleep manifesto last week, I suddenly turned over a new leaf…Now I will take a decent nap without fighting about it too much. My fellow residents did indeed rejoice with untempered glee; at least until The Dastardly Cat annoyed everyone within a 12-block radius, immediately bringing a return to the more common levels of vitriol.

The significant new event of the week is the possible upcoming protrusion of bone material in my mouth region. To mitigate this issue I have greatly increased the practices of chewing and drooling excessively, preferably simultaneously. Unfortunately for myself, I have no interest in chewing on, looking at, or being even remotely physically close to any synthetic pacification items, so for now it’s hands, fingers, thumbs, or bust!

Today was something called Easter, which appears to involve abundant food, pastel color explosions, and confusion. At least that was the best I could make of it. Despite all of this oddity I maintained a steady, calm demeanor, either because I really dig pastel pink, or because I was distracted by deviled eggs and noises. Jury’s still out on that one.

P.S. You may have noticed in the photo above that I have a new buddy named Harriet the Horse. She is soft and interesting, but don’t tell my other friend Echo the Bunny Man, because he is a jealous sort and occasionally ruffles feathers in the toy animal community.

These days, I like to challenge the conventional wisdom (and substantial quantities of written documentation) that suggests I should quit partying and start sleeping when I’m tired. This line of reasoning fails to address my tenacious interest in everything except napping. Some examples of things that are better than napping: looking in mirrors; being in constant motion; demanding satisfaction; the theory and practice of avoiding naps.

This past weekend I turned three months old, and as a reward I received a giant red talking puppet man from my grandma. The talking puppet man seems to be trying to tell me something, but I am primarily distracted by my extreme and focused concentration on nap avoidance.

Also during the last couple of weeks I developed a case of what the Big People call cradle cap, or in layman’s terms, some dry skin on your head. The solution to this problem is apparently to stick a bunch of oily goo on the affected area. So, I re-titled this malady “A New Opportunity to Grease My Hair To Look Like the Fonz.” Heyyy, it worked out OK!

Aside from that, I had several visits with lots of fun people. Given my no-sleep resolution I remained tired, but defiant.

Indeed, it has been a while since my last update, as I’m mostly spending time away from the computing interaction box. The foremost result of this time is my new physical strength. For example: now that I’m hooked on chewing on my hands (mmm, chewy) I will immediately defeat all who impede my access to said hands. To the moon, Swaddle! On the downside, this means it’s wartime at night when the Big People attempt to keep me in wraps.

I’m increasingly taking a liking to sitting upright and having a chat — though not necessarily at the same time. Sitting upright requires extreme concentration of force, so I find laying on my back to be the best position in which to gossip about miscellaneous items pertaining to babble, nonsense, or whatever it is that’s coming out of your mouth. What *I’m* saying makes perfect sense!

Other recent goings-on include the occasional sleepy car trip, nap time fights/grudges, and really awesome rattle toys. I have also undergone the near constant experience of being the subject of photo shoots, but it’s too late to post any of these at the moment. Once I extract my hand from my mouth, I’ll be sure to get them on this web thing post haste.

OK, I finally did it: I figured out how to roll from my tummy to my back. Mainly, this is because laying on my stomach is horrible, awful, brutal, remorseful terribleness. So, I determined that the most expeditious solution was just to switch to my back. Seems logical to me, but for some reason everyone is really, really excited about it, and they keep forcing me to do it repeatedly.

After the excessive back rolling, we visited my grandma’s workplace, where I met a giant man-dog, saw a bunch of school buses, and watched everyone eat free bagels. I’m still trying to figure out the exact correlation between these items – man-dog eats bagel and then chases buses?

My new obsession this week is gnawing on my hands – they’re the greatest things I’ve put in my mouth since the last thing I put in my mouth!

P.S. my great-gram gave me this neato family heirloom quilt, which I enjoy a lot. When you lay it out it’s huge, and sometimes makes me feel tiny, so I get cranky (see photo in sidebar.) But there is a 33% chance of me being cranky – the other 67% of the time I am either asleep or attempting to find more tasty hands to chew.

What a busy week…I’m starting to normalize my general life schedule chaos, and it’s going well. During the day I’ve been enjoying my new fancy swing, which is on loan from my fabulous Aunt Sara. Rocking? Great. Rolling? Can’t yet! I’m also beginning to recognize this magic levitating cow that is attached to my chair. Sometimes I smack him with my hands, and he swings all over the place. That cow is crazy, and he’d better watch out, because he’s in for a good punching.

This weekend I saw lots of family. I met my first cousins once removed, and we had tons of fun. (Have you ever tried to figure out your relationship to other people in your family? It’s ridiculous! What wacko designed this goofball system? But I digress.)

I also went on my first significant traveling excursion in the large bouncing vehicle contraption. I couldn’t decide if I was sleepy or awake, but mostly I wasn’t too upset about the situation. When we finally arrived at our destination, I spent time with my grandparents, great-gram, and several other people that I am related to but the relationships are too complicated to explain. In a nutshell, they are all gooney, and wonderful.

Having recently passed the two-month threshold in my burgeoning life, I find myself contemplative in my newly acquired old age. I will therefore reflect on incongruities noted over the past several weeks.

1. In conversation, what I’m speaking is not what I’m saying.
2. I am tired, but I am excited. The excitement causes wakefulness, but my fatigue causes discomfort.
3. Things I once found soothing, interesting, or remarkable are now agitating, boring, and plain.
4. I am unaware of my lack of awareness.
5. I don’t know what’s funny, but I laugh anyway.
6. I am much bigger than I used to be, yet I am tiny.

To recap other recent events, I visited the Big People in White Coats again on Friday. This time they were even meaner and stuck two sharp things into each one of my legs! If this is some sort of perverted sport, I’m calling the commissioner and giving him a piece of my mind. (On second thought, since I am not conversant in the ways of telephone functionality, I guess I’ll have to settle for just screaming loudly. Hopefully someone is talking on the phone nearby and my point will be made.) By the end of the ordeal, we learned that I am heavier and taller than before, but I was too distracted by the blinding leg pain to recall the details.

It may surprise you to learn that while I’m a somewhat prolific blogger, I’m not yet so good with verbal skills. This week I carried a few conversations, in the sense that I say things and other people say things in response, and so on. So what if our syntax is different, and my language of choice comprises still-unformed babbling and cooing? At minimum that qualifies me to be a daytime talk show host or VH1 reality show contestant.

I also discovered toys – although it’s not clear if I actually recognize them, or just whack them randomly with my arms in an uncontrolled fashion. In either case it’s entertaining, so the specifics of this are irrelevant!

My sleeping schedule (or lack thereof) continues to be erratic, but I prefer to imagine this situation as a movie trailer for a thriller/suspense movie: “WILL Madeline sleep? FOR HOW LONG? WHO will be the victims of her late-night spontaneity? WHAT is the deal with The Kitty!?”

Editor’s Spoiler: Yes; 2-3 consecutive hours at best; mom (and dad if she’s really crabby); The Kitty wants cat treats, or chocolate, or bacon, or attention.

Oof eff uff oof snort squeak, oof uff arg eff squeal fidget, sigh.

My pal Echo the Bunny Man and I are here tonight to discuss a few items that are weird, or surprising, or weird and surprising.

First off, the Hiccup Monster. It creeps up on me when I hardly expect it, and then POOF! Hiccups. Most of the time I don’t mind, but sometimes that monster is one mean guy. I have tried scaring it away by crying at an extraordinary ear-piercing/gut-wrenching volume, and that works from time to time. Mostly, I try to accept my fate as a person with a consistently recurring synchronous diaphragmatic flutter. Editor’s Note: Madeline just discovered Wikipedia.

Secondly: surprises! Lots of things surprise me because I don’t know what to expect, since I basically haven’t experienced anything at all yet. Nonetheless here is a list of surprising things:

• gas (mine)
• intervals between songs
• quietness (too scary!)
• gurgling
• the cat scratching against my bed, or meowing, or pawing at the closet, or begging for treats, or demanding attention. Most commonly all of the above.
• the 10 minutes after I take a shower, when it’s cold and confusing
• laying on my stomach
• ponzi schemes

To recap other recent goings-on, I took a stroll outside for the first time with my mom. (Since Chicago is the coldest place ever, we are usually stuck inside.) We have also ventured out to various places where the Big People eat, but I sleep and/or hiccup to pass the time. I also outgrew some of my old clothes, which is fine with me, because baby likes to mix up the stylez!

Hello all you interwebbers, time for a new update! I’ve been staying remarkably busy over the last two weeks. The Big People finally got their act together and helped me with a new sleep schedule, which has worked out famously. Now I’m sleeping for longer blocks of time, and everyone seems a little less cranky – except for the cat, who (despite greatly exaggerated reports to the contrary) is neither dead nor happy about her decreased attention-getting from the Family. Hey Kitty, here’s a tip: your breath smells like cat food.

One of the benefits to my new beauty sleep regimen is that I’m wide-eyed and alert during the day, so I’m able to devote more quality time to my new hobbies. For example, I have recently taken up exercising – this photo was taken after a 10k run. Just kidding, I can’t even walk! But I can do some top-notch aerobics (yeah, OK, with admittedly significant physical assistance.) I also excel at lifting this incredibly heavy weight, which is located in the general region above my neck.

Along with my aforementioned Olympic feats of strength, I am now appreciating the finer points of facial expressions. The Big People seem to get really excited when I smile, which is encouraging and hilarious, making me smile more! My added focus has also turned me into an art-monger, as I am now really entranced by the miscellaneous junk stuck on the refrigerator, and posters, and bright things, and dark things. And bright things next to dark things.

Lastly, I’m listening to a lot of music now…As it turns out I am no fan of Pink Floyd, because every time it comes on the radio, for some reason it immediately stops playing. I guess I’m saying that Pink Floyd is terrible. But I really like the new Andrew Bird album and the Beatles! Especially fun is listening to music and bouncing.

Anyway, it’s about time to catch some Z’s, good night everyone!

P.S. you have probably noticed the new photo sidebar on my blog. It’s a little out of date, but I’m working on posting new photos soon. Unfortunately, first I have to learn to read, write, type, use a computer, and log on to the Internet, so it might take a while.