The Adventures of Wiggle Baby

Ghostwriter’s note: I’ve had a hard time deciding what to do with this site now that Maddie is old enough to speak for herself. Turns out, I’m out of a job! What follows is her first written story, as transcribed by her mom. —JD

Context

“Sodo” is Maddie’s favorite fabricated word. This story was told while playing with a new stamp set that features emotional faces.

The Story

There was an angry stamp.

And the others were not sad.
That one is happy.

They go to their house and they have people there.
Then they sleep in the bedrooms.
This one’s bedroom and his bedroom and his bedroom…

[she mumbles something about the Moon and tries to draw one. I wrote the word "MOON" and she wrote it too! —KK]

When they sleep, when they heard a noise. A bird.
They climbed on it.
When they heard a noise, this was another tweet.
When they go on a Sodo, that’s the end!!

Now they heard another noise.
When they climbed on it, they begin to cry.
And Maddie’s here. And said Maddie be careful with the stamps!
They get on the bird when they heard a noise.
They say, “I wanna go home.”
Then they heard another noise, then they can go on their Sodo.
They begin to cry.

The Sodo is yellow.
When they heard a noise, like this [scribbles her marker really fast].
Froggy goes to the doctor with his mommy and sister and daddy.
Doctor’s name is Adios.
When they begin to cry a little, poor guys!!!
They don’t have to be sleepy – they just have to tell mommy’s and daddo’s.
When they go on a Sodo, they leave.
They go home.
They make some dinner.

Greetings, fellow Earthlings, both phosphorous and arsenic-based! Now that I have achieved my triple missions of finding alien life forms, releasing secret government documents, and using the potty, I’m back and ready to tell you all about it.

I’ve had some incredible adventures over the last several months — I traveled to several new places, met countless kitties, puppies and fishies, enjoyed numerous zoos, and experienced the wonders of holidays and snow. Along the way I picked up some skills, obsessions, and silly phrases.

New Skills

My dad and I go to Meijer a lot on the weekends, because mom needs to sleep in. Plus we’re probably out of butter, since I find it necessary to eat butter directly from the jar with a spoon. Anyway, I’ve decided that I’m employed at Meijer now, so here’s some of the skills I listed on my résumé; take note, college grads!

1. Keeping a “close eye” on an item by moving my face within the immediate proximity of said item.
2. Building towers with magnet tiles and then subsequently destroying them, using the contradictory practices of Zen non-attachment and destructive arm flailing.
3. Navigating an iPhone with the prowess of a New York hipster (but absent the beards and poorly conceived irony.)
4. Asserting my independence by noticeably objecting to wintertime attire of any sort.
5. Counting, identifying numbers and letters, drawing, painting, and saying goofy words like “rhinoceros,” “jellybeans” and “stinkypants.”
6. Swimming in hotel pools — evidently hotels are the only places with aquatic facilities.
7. Spotting spiders from 30 feet away, and demanding that a cleanup action be taken at once!
8. Clever naming: I have coined many excellent names for my various inanimate friends. Examples: Opie and Eight (dolls), Alli (stuffed cat), Avery (weird jumpy lumberjack toy from a Happy Meal), Peter (any computer), Bubby The P.U. Fish (a smelly plastic bath toy.)
9. Diaper-free life: I decided to ditch the diapers once and for all, and use the potty full-time. Sure, it’s nice not to pee in one’s pants, but my primary motivation was to sit in the bathroom at length and put stickers all over everything.

New Obsessions

What can I say? I get hooked on stuff.

1. The Funny Dude: our neighbors put out a motorized robot corpse for Halloween, and after naming it “The Funny Dude” I became incredibly fascinated with him. So much so that I was still requesting access to The Funny Dude well after he was stowed away and the local kids’ Halloween cavities were filled.
2. Planes, barking dogs, and The Moon: if I hear any noise or see any sky-based objects outside, I demand to see it! I demand satisfaction! This is entirely problematic at 3:00am — Ed.
3. Tiny things: little stuff is the best. I seek out the smallest individual squares from our various puzzle board games. I prefer the wee baby in my Russian nesting doll set. During my frequent excursions (shifts) at Meijer, I pick up miniature stuffed animals and often convince dad to bring one of them home, then I insist on having all of them in my bed at night. And finally, I love dominos — both for stacking and holding them to my ear, like tiny domino telephones.

New Silly Phrases

There are almost too many to count, but I need to work on counting anyway. 1, 3, 6, 7…

1. I add “eeyoo!” to the end of people’s names. Examples: Mommyoo, Daddyoo, Maddieyoo, Debbieyoo, etc.
2. I like to yell for my parents by their real names. “KATE!”
3. I demonstrate my resolute independence by responding, “no, fine” any time you try to help me with something, particularly when meals, clothing or toothbrushing are involved.
4. Also on the clothing front, almost all clothes are “too tight” even when they are sweatpants.
5. When something is of grave concern, such as the noise made by a leaky bathtub drain, I become quite worried and whine, “don’t like it!”
6. I’m pretty clever, but sometimes I don’t understand what you’re going on about. In those cases, I simply respond “yeah” and hope you won’t notice. For example: “Maddie, what’s the name of that Orangutan?” “Yeah.”
7. I have a penchant for funny talking, which is exactly like regular talking, except lower and more drawn out. KAYWTEE
8. It is extremely difficult to record me via standard photographic means due to my insistence upon watching the recording you didn’t get to take. I request this by stating, “I see I see I see!”

Until next time, Peops!

You know what’s spectacular? Verbal communication. Particularly the part where you can say what you want, and someone responds by giving it to you.

For example, as you may not be aware, I am rather short, and sometimes I would like to see what’s happening at greater altitudes. Previously, my only recourse in this scenario was to act cranky until a Big Person was sufficiently annoyed. Though this method is tried and true, I have learned that I can say “uppy” and someone will pick me uppy. When I’ve had enough, I can say “dow” and I’m lowered once more. If I’m dissatisfied with everything altogether, I can say “way” and we will go a-way somewhere else.

My vocabulary has expanded to the point that documenting all my words would be too exhausting. Instead, here are some highlights:

If you ask me what color something is, it’s blue. If you explain that it’s actually a different color, I will say “ohh!” in acceptance and then repeat the color’s name (provided the color is green, yellow, red, or purple.) However, if you ask again, it’s still blue.

Similarly, if I have multiple objects, I have three. I am sure of this.

I enjoy opening and closing doors, and in doing so I will repeatedly greet you happily (hi!) and bid you a fond farewell (bye.)

In the mornings, I want two things, chee and Melmo. (Translation: a cheese stick and Elmo on TV.) Mommy and Daddy try to keep a lid on these, but it’s a losing battle.

A frequent conversation:
— Person: Maddie, would you like to do something?
— Maddie: Yeah!
— Person: Are you sure?
— Maddie: No.
— Person: Really?
— Maddie: No.

If I’m riding in a car and see a motorcycle, that must be Papa (my grandpa.) More things that are Papa: any person I’m calling on the phone, and any man with hair.

I’m an ace at identifying body parts, such as legs and belbows. If you ask me about something face-related, I already know the answer — you’re pointing to your eyes. I don’t care that you’re not pointing to your eyes, the answer is eyes. OK, or nose. Eyes or nose.

Animals are interesting, and I’ve learned about some of them. For instance, puppies say, “eeeee!” All insects are bees, and should go away. Also, many kinds of animals are kitties.

Cooking in my mini kitchen is the best! I put stuff in the microwave and beep the buttons, “beep beep beep!” After some amount of time has passed, I exclaim, “ready!”

I’ve been perfecting a non-verbal game as well. It’s called “Madeline Says.” In this game, I grin with my lower teeth, then stick out my tongue, then grin with my upper teeth. You must do this with me. Following that, I do several various hand movements and expect you to mimic me. Sometimes I try to jump while yelling “drmp!”

In closing, let’s go out to my slide and we’ll watch airplanes fly uppy in the sky!

Achoo! I’m dusting off the cobwebs on this here neglected bloggy. I hope to see some spiders, because I think they’re interesting and wiggly. I would like spiders to come sit with me so we could have a conversation. Most of the time I settle for waving at them.

Since our last episode, I grew up a lot! I’m a big kid now; no more of this Wiggle Baby nonsense. I can climb stairs, chairs, and slides, I say lots of words and animal noises, I draw pictures constantly, read tons of books, and run around like crazy, especially when chasing bubbles. (Bubba?)

Keeping with my longstanding trend of being obsessed with things, I am completely obsessed with things. Here’s a short list of my new loves:

This Sesame Street bit with Greg Kinnear and a robot. I am absolutely enthralled with the robot. Seriously, I have probably watched this 100 times. Beep beep, oh oh oh.

I like my baby doll, who I refer to as “BeeBee.” I enjoy placing BeeBee in a chair, tiny stroller, or pocket.

I think the word “pee” is really cool and I will gladly discuss the matter with you in further detail. Provided the further detail involves pee.

Pouring and sorting are the greatest activities in the world. If there is a liquid available that needs to be poured, please tell me. If you have some items that need to be moved from one location to another, one by one, and then subsequently brought back to their original location, one by one, I can do that for you. I will be really intense about this. Also, I may groan as if an object is extremely heavy, when in fact it is a small cardboard puzzle piece.

Drawing. Have I mentioned how fun drawing is? Particularly the part where you draw on any surface other than paper. If you blanketed the Earth with paper, I’d take a rocket ship to the Moon so I could draw on an unpapered surface. When outside with chalk, I like to draw lines on top of any preexisting drawing, no matter how nice it was before I arrived.

Song games and yoga tricks are a good time. I like Ring Around the Rosie and will perform it repeatedly, either with human friends or by holding the hands of a stuffed animal or BeeBee and spinning. I’m also a wonderful little Teapot with a handle and spout, but I will most likely tip over and pour out well in advance of your expectations. (Like I said, I’m into pouring, people. Deal with it!)

I have an inordinate number of plastic vehicles. I greatly enjoy these, but mostly for entering and exiting them repeatedly, and not so much for riding.

Birds (buh?) are neato and I attempt to chase them. Alas, they are apparently in cahoots with spiders.

I have also discovered that if you get a booboo, and kiss the booboo, something happens. I don’t know what happens, exactly. But I would like it if someone would kiss my booboo, please. Repeatedly.

The last of my loves: love! I will give you big hugs and kisses, if you are deserving and I’m feeling jolly.

When one takes a long sabbatical from blog posting, the root cause can be one of four things:

1. Out of ideas.
2. Twitter diversion rotted brain.
3. Stepped away from computer screen and discovered sunlight.
4. Became infatuated by other highly curious matters of genuine importance.

Indeed, it’s the latter that has my head in a tangle. You see, I learn about things at a remarkable rate, and in the process, I get hooked on something. A lot.

First it was the kitty. Oh man, I wanted to tell you about that kitty. At a restaurant I wanted to tell you about that kitty. In the middle of the night I wanted to tell you about that kitty. When sleeping, I dreamed about wanting to tell you about that kitty.

Then it was certain objects: the adhesive holiday stickers on the window, the Mickey Mouse airplane toy, the vacuum, the inside of the refrigerator. It got so bad, the Big People had to hide or destroy these things (the fridge is still standing.)

Now, my attention has been turned to my mom, the outdoors, and Goldfish Crackers. Mom is the lucky target of my newly formed verbal skills, to the extent that I call for mom constantly, particularly during my recent recurring bouts of insomnia. To her credit, I have associated the word mom with all that is good and comforting in the world, which is perhaps the most flattering word association possible.

Did I mention I could really go for some Goldfish Crackers? Do you have any Goldfish Crackers? I would like some more Goldfish Crackers.

I also want to go outside constantly, which is not my fault, as I’ve been penned up in a Midwestern home for a practical eternity, and that just isn’t exciting. Goldfish Crackers.

So anyway, I’ve developed an array of lingual skills, predominantly of the sign language persuasion, but I will document the speech here for completeness and my father’s aforementioned horrible memory. If you get bored by reading lists or Goldfish Crackers, feel free to skip ahead or eat Goldfish Crackers.

I say: mom, dad (“dahhhh”), bob (short for babushka), moo (pronounced vfbmoo), ooo, nanana, yayayay, and tsst (a.k.a. any word has a ‘t’ in it.)

Finally, my recent achievements include getting a lot of teeth all at once, being a sturdy walker, eating lots of food, taking one nap instead of two (begrudgingly), sitting in my own personal chair, reading books, and needing a haircut.

Goldfish Crackers!

Hello my avid Internet following! It’s been quite some time since I last reported my daily goings-on, and apparently my little blog was hijacked during my absence. Get your own blog, Pops. Sheesh.

Now on to the big news: I’m 1! I don’t know what this means or why it happened, but I enjoyed the wonderful outpouring of sweetness from all my friends and family…thanks peoples! I was the featured guest at a wacky party involving a cursed carrot cake, some Proper Joseph sandwiches, and a gigantic plastic bowl full of plastic balls. This giant plastic thing is frightening at the moment, but I’m enjoying scattering the balls all over the house.

It’s been quite a busy month, so I’ll recap the craziness:

• I fell ill again, and took some medicine. This didn’t help, so I took some other medicine. This made me sicker, then I quit it altogether and eventually felt better. The People In White Coats gave me a shot for no reason, but I assume they meant well.
• I learnt how to sleep! My mom and dad had to help me, and I was a little cranky about it at first, but now I’ve figured out that sleeping is great. One bummer: this has drastically reduced my late night adventures, meaning this blog shall be renamed “The Daytime Only Adventures of Wiggle Baby.”
• I figured out that I can make funny signals. I like to identify body parts (head, eyes, nose, teeth, tongue, cheeks, ears, shoulders, hands, knees, feet, toes) and I can make gestures for fan, light, kitty, fishy, hat, and all-done. It turns out that I am quite big, and will gladly demonstrate this by raising my hands in the air when someone asks about my relative size.
• I can perform actions on command, like bouncing, stomping, sticking out my tongue, throwing stuff, and saying “ooo.” Yet I have not learned the command for “quit doing the thing you’re not supposed to do.”
• I’m a stable Mabel with walking but I still like to hang on to Big Persons and explore things.
• I climb things, such as soda cases, an open dishwasher, or a refrigerator.
• I love love LOVE alphabet books. If you have a book that lists things from A-Z, I want to read that book. I want to read that book 40 times.
• Aside from my Celebration of Time Passing Day, I partied it up with friends and family for Christmas and New Year’s Eve, and saw my dad much more than usual.

In closing, I will explain why this post is entitled “All My Sheepies.” You see, it seems that many toy sets come with at least one sort of sheepy, and as a result, I have a lot of sheepies:

• Bluey sheepy
• Chewy sheepy
• Fuzzy sheepy
• Puzzy sheepy
• Pinky sheepy
• Fridge magnet sheepy

I also have a lot of other toys with funny names, such as chewy piggy, Dragonfly Guy, and Feel-Better Mark Ruffalo Buffalo. I love them.

Finally, I dance, and then exit the room like the Godfather of Soul. Good night.

Today’s post is written by Madeline’s dad. Check in later for your regularly scheduled bloggy goodness.

Dear Madeline,

Sometimes being a parent is hard. Really hard. You will undoubtedly hear about this and shrug it off, as I did, until you experience it firsthand. That’s OK — that’s how it’s supposed to be.

But here’s the deal: it’s totally worth it. Your kid fills all this empty space in your person. You used to think you were a complete person, reasonably happy, trotting along in life, and then you meet your kid. Your insides get all mushy and weird and knotted and crazy and intense, and you realize you were so hopelessly clueless all those years. You had no idea at all.

What this means is: we would go to the ends of the Earth for you.

You are our person. Always remember that.

This past Friday was Yellow Day. I wore a yellow shirt, had tons of fun with a yellow balloon, ate a banana, and went out for a short walk in the sunshine. And it was all yellow.

As usual, I’m changing far quicker than I can document on this webby page. I can walk much better now, almost completely by myself, but I’m still a little wobbly. I’m consistently standing up in my crib (and waiting impatiently for assistance) after naps. Most exciting, I understand some gestures and I regularly identify and/or point at many items:

• the red light
• the kitty
• noses and toes-es
• belts and bellybuttons
• mommy and daddy
• dolly and ball-y
• the lamp
• the balloon

As an added bonus, if I don’t know what something is, I shrug until someone offers a suitable explanation. It’s not exactly clear how I learned to shrug. [shrugs] Also, when someone says “if you’re Maddie and you know it, clap your hands,” I do clap my hands, because I am Maddie, and this all seems quite obvious.

Exploration is the new word of the day, as I persistently fiddle with everything I can get my hands on. I especially dig things I’m not supposed to touch, such as drawers, doors, the cat food dish, the fridge, and tasty but inedible potential choking hazards. Several of my toys have become old hat, as I discovered the hidden triggers that set off the lights and noises. Who needs to actually play with a toy when one can artificially force it to do something? Just wait until I can start hacking things!

Some fun events came and went…I was dressed as a monkey for this weird Halloween thing, which was rather humiliating and odd, but people seemed to enjoy it so I didn’t complain terribly. I got a little sick and then felt a little better. I slept badly, then well, then badly. I ate some food, then refused to eat anything, and then ate some food again. I’m contentious and content, all at the same time.

Although it sounds cute, having the sniffles is terrible. The breathing passageway gets cloggy, and that makes a wee person a wee cranky. And then, extremely cranky. It’s a natural progression. So, while I’m homebound and fending off the insufferable sniffing, I’ll tell you about my recent adventures.

I noticed that everything is awesome! When I’m impressed by something, I purse my lips together and say, “ooo!” Sometimes this is accompanied by one hand waving to emphasize my amazement. (See photo above.) Ooo!

Along with the ooos, I discovered a bundle of new valuable talents. I clap and bounce to music, and I’m finally able to crawl around occasionally without demanding constant personal attention. Ed: Mom says I still demand constant personal attention. I’m late to the crawling party, but in my defense, it was much less work to be transported by my own private Jeeves. (Come to think of it — Jeeves, be a right mate and fetch me a sippy post haste.)

I started identifying objects by name, such as the yellow thing (ball), that guy (dad), and that kitty; I’m also stronger at practicing walking, and can kick a ball or other miscellaneous floor detritus like a tiny Pelé. Maybe when I get older I’ll play soccer or speedball…for those who don’t know, speedball is a combination of soccer and speedball.

My other major accomplishment this month was my first extended Big Person Transportation Contraption trip to see my great grandparents in Cleveland. It was good fun; I did a geocache, ate some Polish food, and met some nice people at McDonald’s. These Donaldsians were universally concerned about the ambient temperature of my sockless feet, which may or may not be a result of Ohio being really insanely cold a lot of the time.

I will leave you now with a detailed cinematic exposition about hysterical laughing. Be sure to check the flickr stream for more videos! Happy October everybody, and watch out for those sniffles.

So here’s the thing…Since I last talked with you, I morphed from a fun but fairly static baby into a playful, intense, curious, toothy little girl. Has it really been that long? Yes. Have I changed that much? Yes. Have I started asking and answering my own questions? Obviously. Can we move on? If you insist. Are you sure? I’m confused.

To recap:

• I turned 8 months old, and liked it.
• I grew some more nice blond hair. Oh, and 6 teeth! Thatsalottateeth.
• I got sick. But it wasn’t too bad other than one day of high fever. I was a trooper. To the moon, illness!
• I started babbling much more, because my teeth make my mouth chatty. Bayaydadayayalala. (See video below.)
• I played on playground equipment, including swings and slides. This was fine, but I was kind of bored and really just wanted to play with/eat the blades of grass.
• I can walk! Well, if someone holds me up. I can’t get there from here, but I’ll give it a good shot. I’m pretty stable when propped against something, like a wall, table, or cat.
• I eat big people food, like Cheerios, graham crackers, fruit, toast, and even hummus pita. I will eat veggies provided that you jam them in my mouth during the few seconds between my Cheerio intake.
• I honed my incredible finger dexterity, which has enabled me to fiddle with an abacus, pick up tiny items, pinch buttons on shirts, and feed myself slimy foods.

And now, for your moving image enjoyment, I babble:

And finally, for your stitched-still-image enjoyment, I goof around on a couch:

So long, all! I’ll try not to wait a month between posts next time.